


change

by goddammitshauna



Series: 3am thoughts and 3pm regrets. [4]
Category: Original Work
Genre: shauna writes something
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-05 23:51:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17334719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goddammitshauna/pseuds/goddammitshauna
Summary: rain, rain go away, bring back the me that you took away.





	change

we're 16, we're young and we're hurting. 

a Friday afternoon, October something and it's raining, smack-dab in the middle of monsoon season.  
I'm facing you: drenched and on fire, in the middle of a far out bus stop,  
you're facing me: dry but drenched, single foldable blue nylon umbrella in hand, a loss for words at the same far out bus stop. 

we're hurting, for reasons unknown.  
The storm pelts down harder on my flimsy umbrella, you stare wordlessly, eyes seething fueled by unknown sources.  
I stare back, not listless but exhausted, my sneakers and socks now drenched from all the chasing.  
that's enough isn't it?  
how much more can you take?  
(how much more can I give?) 

a car zips past, giving life to the growing puddles in the edges of the black tarmac,  
we're sprayed with the polluted mist,  
you barely flinch.  
I block it with my umbrella.  
you want to get away don't you? 

I can feel the water dripping down my back now, my tiny umbrella doing little to no help,  
it was $4 of cheap worthless nylon anyway.  
I can almost see the corners of your mouth twitch, but you won't give in.  
its uncomfortable, the rain mixing with my clothes, the cold running down my spine,  
the boiling behind your eyes,  
and I always liked the rain. 

do I want you gone? I can't answer that. 

you hear my thoughts loud and clear, balled fists clenching and unclenching.  
your dripping hair sticking to your face, lining all the agony.  
the rain plastering your clothes to your body, hugging your every curve and kink, we have the same taste.  
your mouth parts and shuts again, swallowing a mixture of water, composed of the rain, of perspiration, of tears.  
you shut your mouth again, eyes flitting to the empty road. 

I see the decision before it happens. 

you dash out. 

the rain stains with red. 

 

but I'm surviving. 

the mirror blinks back at me, listless, indifferent.  
it shatters with a footstep, I shield myself using my blue nylon umbrella.  
it serves its purpose.  
I'm at the same bus stop, a far out bus stop which only gets traffic every 25 minutes.  
I'm decently dry, sneaker soles drenched beyond drying, it's the middle of october, in the middle of monsoon season. 

I look back down at the mirror, beneath my sneakers in the black tarmac of the empty road, someone drenched with fire looks back.  
they're long gone.  
was that a good thing?  
maybe it was. 

“you're more assured of yourself”  
“I like the new you a lot better”  
I get that a lot now. 

do I miss them?  
of course I do, it's not easy swallowing fire as a whole.  
sometimes, there's remnants of them, the random bouts of stupid memories that haunt my sleep.  
anxiety comes at the oddest hours.  
the dying embers left alive in my heart, put to sleep by my stony facadé. 

there's only one of me,  
but the face in the mirror looks back,  
looks like they're still alive. 

it's easier to be held than hold on,  
so how about I let go?  
done that a long time ago,  
maybe I shouldn't have but we can't turn back time now can we. 

we're living like this now, me being me, edits made here and there, maybe I did like it when you were around,  
raining fire and typhoons of tears and all.  
it's too late for that now though, what's done is done. 

change for the better, or for the worst, we're stuck with who we are until we die.  
I hope the way I change will make me happy even at 26, 36, the list goes on. 

I'm the only one who can comfort me, ain't that right?  
the mirror nods back.

**Author's Note:**

> (inspired by She's In The Rain - The Rose)
> 
> hi the 1 person reading this series, I'm still alive and kicking, this angsty read is brought to you by 2018 mid October crisis Shauna!!  
> when I actually get a laptop I'll update my other series (look forward to it!!) 
> 
> Till next~


End file.
